Author: mstewartnordbergm

… Good Samaritan Law …My Father’s Grief

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My Father is angry. We all are. We’re angry at choices, we’re angry that we are caring this burden, we’re angry that the idiots that surrounded Thalia are still walking around free. And I am angry that I am not allowed to remain angry. I will want to honor my daughter and I some point, I will be clear on what exactly that is. But it is not clear now.

This is what my father proposed putting in a local news paper when Thalia died. He actually sent it to the editor but I’m going to share here. I think doing this does bring some “peace” for a moment for him.  But I know true peace can only be found through God..and let me tell you, it’s a challenge to do the right thing.

<<Note>>

… Good Samaritan Law …

To Marcus and Brandon, and Ramon, and James, and Rachel, and all of the others who were around Thalia Paige Stewart, who knew her well or casually, who stole money and personal items from her, who took advantage of her kindness and good will, who contributed to her death by supplying her with ill gained products and then when they witnessed her downfall with assistance from their hands and knew that she was in trouble without even sending out a 911 call for help … you have no souls … and your full judgment will be with your own maker.  However, until you reach your maker through your own deeds and misdeeds, there is hope that the memory of what you personally contributed to the untimely death of Thalia will haunt you forever.  Particularly through your deeds, you have not only destroyed a worthy soul, but you have injured the souls and lives of everyone who truly loved her.  Thalia did not need to die!

Some of you refer to yourselves as players, or playaz; but time will tell the real story of your unworthiness as humans. Hopefully no one in your own families will ever have to endure the fateful product of your self-centered deeds as we have.  But if your personal character does not evolve from that which has caused us so much pain and anguish into something worthwhile, we fear that they will suffer a loss even more severe than the loss that we have.

For your future reference, the Good Samaritan law … even in Washington state, offers legal protection to people who give reasonable assistance to those who are injured, ill, in peril, or otherwise incapacitated. The protection is intended to reduce bystanders’ hesitation to assist, for fear of being sued or prosecuted for unintentional injury or wrongful death.  One or more of you could have simply called 911 to help save Thalia’s life!  You didn’t and then took advantage of the situation in your own stupor to steal money from her and personal items from her and run!

I have judged you as worthless for what you contributed to Thalia’s death.  Only God or your own devised deity will be able to value you as anything other than worthless.

… Good Samaritan Law …My Father’s Grief

Sorrow and “The Pit”

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Horrible waves of this deep deep pit. I call it a pit because there are no other words to describe the nauseating feeling that comes with it. An intrusive thought, mostly about something Thalia said that I feel I should have reacted to more positively or contrsuctively. I see in my my either he face telling me how depressed she was, or how I caused her depression or how she had no self-esteem because of me or her talking to me when she was younger and the cute things she said. I miss her so..That horrible sinking feeling when I think of some of the “bad times” ..it’s almost like the one you might feel when you go down a roller coaster. Like that. Not enjoyable. Then I wonder will I ever ever get to the point where I don’t react in this manner. I don’t know for sure but have faith I will.

What do I think about:

Her calling me or texting me telling me she was in a dark place and my responding with “You’re always in a dark place” why don’t you go to your meetings!? – When I think about that… I feel sick. She was sick to an extent that I had no idea.. and how dismissive could I have been. Horrible.

Her saying she just wanted to get our of the condo and have a fresh start and my response was that she decided she wanted to go back there.. so you figure it out. Don’t answer the door to the jerks coming to your place. How could I have said that! Why didn’t I just help her! I was too freaking busy thinking about the next frustrated smart thing to say.. now she’s dead!!

I wonder why they hell I moved to India for my job. Would things had been different if I were in the US? I don’t know. Would she have had better support after rehab? Probably.

My parent came visiting yesterday from Ohio. They really looked bad, frail and tiered. I don’t know how much of that was because of their trip.. I understood it was rough and they missed thier flilght etc. But from what I could tell, they really looked so much more aged today than they did at the funeral two months ago. My father especially has lost a lot of weight and he is sad. It is a sad thing right now.

Sorrow and “The Pit”

2 Months

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Today will mark 2 months since Thalia died and 8 weeks since I buried her. 8 weeks since I picked out the casket, 8 weeks since I picked the funeral flowers, 8 weeks since I touched her and saw her, 8 weeks since I bought my VERY LAST thing for her.. for her to wear. 8 weeks since I also partially died. Two months ago and my father and I waited for the call from the police after we requested for a “welfare visit”, I got the text from my father shortly after that that Thalia was found Dead! Dead! That instance rings in my head 100 times a day along with the terrible sinking pit feeling I get when it just shows up; the memory , uninvited un relenting. I miss her so so much.

Beside the horrific grief I have, so much regret, blame feeling and guilt I can’t escape it although after 2 months I’m managing differently. There is NO help for parents of children that have died due to drugs, at least through internet search that I can find. A lot of “Sorry”, “Hugs”.. but that does not get to the meat of it.. It’s about dealing with the memories of the chaos and if you did the right thing or not, and just how to handle those types of feelings and memories. Was I too mean? Was I too soft? Should I have kicked her out? Should I have let her back in? There is nothing specific regarding that, and I hope to provide that somehow as I find out through this blog. I feel concern for other parents in this same desperate space.

Thalia died due to a heroin overdose. And frankly, I can’t even believe I’m wiring that. After she died I did not get mad at God. I actually felt I was told I had to get closer to him so that I could be with him as well as Thalia again and I know this is true. At least that is what I have strives to feel. I can say that I have not felt that way 100% of the time. But I do for the most part.

I don’t know the answers and as I go through this, I want to be really transparent and hopefully take other parents with me that are going through similar circumstances so they can find comfort. My hope is that specifically dealing with guilt and remorse can be better handled through some thoughts and insight through this blog. Although I have no idea what that may be. But I feel that it will come, and it will help others.

In my next update, I will tell you about my beautiful 20 year old daughter Thalia who I love very much. My first born daughter. She was absolutely more than the horrible drugs that took her and I want to talk about that. But I also want to talk about the struggles we had and hopefully other parent can connect and share as well.

2 Months