Horrible waves of this deep deep pit. I call it a pit because there are no other words to describe the nauseating feeling that comes with it. An intrusive thought, mostly about something Thalia said that I feel I should have reacted to more positively or contrsuctively. I see in my my either he face telling me how depressed she was, or how I caused her depression or how she had no self-esteem because of me or her talking to me when she was younger and the cute things she said. I miss her so..That horrible sinking feeling when I think of some of the “bad times” ..it’s almost like the one you might feel when you go down a roller coaster. Like that. Not enjoyable. Then I wonder will I ever ever get to the point where I don’t react in this manner. I don’t know for sure but have faith I will.

What do I think about:

Her calling me or texting me telling me she was in a dark place and my responding with “You’re always in a dark place” why don’t you go to your meetings!? – When I think about that… I feel sick. She was sick to an extent that I had no idea.. and how dismissive could I have been. Horrible.

Her saying she just wanted to get our of the condo and have a fresh start and my response was that she decided she wanted to go back there.. so you figure it out. Don’t answer the door to the jerks coming to your place. How could I have said that! Why didn’t I just help her! I was too freaking busy thinking about the next frustrated smart thing to say.. now she’s dead!!

I wonder why they hell I moved to India for my job. Would things had been different if I were in the US? I don’t know. Would she have had better support after rehab? Probably.

My parent came visiting yesterday from Ohio. They really looked bad, frail and tiered. I don’t know how much of that was because of their trip.. I understood it was rough and they missed thier flilght etc. But from what I could tell, they really looked so much more aged today than they did at the funeral two months ago. My father especially has lost a lot of weight and he is sad. It is a sad thing right now.