Today will mark 2 months since Thalia died and 8 weeks since I buried her. 8 weeks since I picked out the casket, 8 weeks since I picked the funeral flowers, 8 weeks since I touched her and saw her, 8 weeks since I bought my VERY LAST thing for her.. for her to wear. 8 weeks since I also partially died. Two months ago and my father and I waited for the call from the police after we requested for a “welfare visit”, I got the text from my father shortly after that that Thalia was found Dead! Dead! That instance rings in my head 100 times a day along with the terrible sinking pit feeling I get when it just shows up; the memory , uninvited un relenting. I miss her so so much.

Beside the horrific grief I have, so much regret, blame feeling and guilt I can’t escape it although after 2 months I’m managing differently. There is NO help for parents of children that have died due to drugs, at least through internet search that I can find. A lot of “Sorry”, “Hugs”.. but that does not get to the meat of it.. It’s about dealing with the memories of the chaos and if you did the right thing or not, and just how to handle those types of feelings and memories. Was I too mean? Was I too soft? Should I have kicked her out? Should I have let her back in? There is nothing specific regarding that, and I hope to provide that somehow as I find out through this blog. I feel concern for other parents in this same desperate space.

Thalia died due to a heroin overdose. And frankly, I can’t even believe I’m wiring that. After she died I did not get mad at God. I actually felt I was told I had to get closer to him so that I could be with him as well as Thalia again and I know this is true. At least that is what I have strives to feel. I can say that I have not felt that way 100% of the time. But I do for the most part.

I don’t know the answers and as I go through this, I want to be really transparent and hopefully take other parents with me that are going through similar circumstances so they can find comfort. My hope is that specifically dealing with guilt and remorse can be better handled through some thoughts and insight through this blog. Although I have no idea what that may be. But I feel that it will come, and it will help others.

In my next update, I will tell you about my beautiful 20 year old daughter Thalia who I love very much. My first born daughter. She was absolutely more than the horrible drugs that took her and I want to talk about that. But I also want to talk about the struggles we had and hopefully other parent can connect and share as well.